Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
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Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan