Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
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Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.