Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
You Might Also Like
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”