Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
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me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?