@rickolantern: Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
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@DurtMcHurtt: Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa's "push it" and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
@jwoodham: DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
@Home_Halfway: "Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be." ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
@Iwriteforcats: The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don't have to share your snacks.