Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
You Might Also Like
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
<—- homeless romantic
mumsnet is amazing
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.