luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
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sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
good for her
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse