luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
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date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member