[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
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Breaking news:
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️