[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
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Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month