LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
You Might Also Like
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
this is literally a CIA plant
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.