they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
You Might Also Like
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Did…did a minotaur write this
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.