New comic up. “Ransom”
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Catercrombie & Fish
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Not all heroes wear capes.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?