Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
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Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Unexpected Judgment
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
new record!
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.