Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
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If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.