@seamussaid: Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
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@kumailn: Every chef on Chopped's like "I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao."
@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing? ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
@XplodingUnicorn: The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself. It was super cute. Then the pig threw up all over her. Considerably less cute.