Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
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My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to