Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
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aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
haha same
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy