Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
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STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.