@gobmentcheese: Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
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@Mothpete: I just sprayed hair glitter onto a fly instead of insect spray. Not dead... but pretty fly.
@PinkCamoTO: "Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
@FloodyHippie: You don't need to put "narcissist" in your bio. This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
@juneohara65: Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: "Are you on any meds?" Me: "You might want to grab a notebook."