[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
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I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month