[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
You Might Also Like
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
calling in to work dehydrated
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.