[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
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Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.