[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
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Inside you there are two wolves
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄