[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
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*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.