I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
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At least try to make it slightly believable
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos