everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
You Might Also Like
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I am patiently waiting for your email
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.