@nataliejmooney: lying on the floor with my mouth open just in case someone breaks in and decides to grate a bunch of cheese in there
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@Shock_Monster: Nurse: Your name, please? Me: Dr. Feelgood. Nurse: ... Me: ... Nurse: You're not a Dr. are you? Me: No, I won't make you feel good, either.
@DKSC4LIFE: LIFE HACK: If you’re a spy, marry a vegan. They won’t be upset when they find out you’re a plant.
@imjustdiane: The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds