I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
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A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Holy moly
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’