whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
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I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤