[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
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*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents