@Brianhopecomedy: Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don't know exactly what she's planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
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@thejodiest: Please don't directly insult people on Twitter. Use passive aggressive, indirect insults only, like a damn adult.
@flashember: WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt. THERAPIST: Is this true? PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT'S TRUE I'M A BALL OF NEEDLES
@meladoodle: Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
@leslid79: 1. Change last name to Crunch. 2. Join the military. 3. Work my way up to Captain. 4. Become Captain Crunch. 5. WIN LIFE