Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
You Might Also Like
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Growing out my freckles.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.