Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
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[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
“I wouldn’t.”
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Why does laundry happen to good people?
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.