[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
You Might Also Like
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I can’t wait!
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
(yawn)
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.