NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
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cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
broke down and did it
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
WHY would you be happy about this?
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”