Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
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Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
british sex workers really pound for pound
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
sigh
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.