M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
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I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?