M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
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me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Real House Wines.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.