M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
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3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.