me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
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Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
The cashier just checked me out.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.