[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
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My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.