Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
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[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Pretty much. 🤣
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Had an epiphany today.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.