Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
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Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps