M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
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Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD