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Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”