I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
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I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu