M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
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When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
What if all the cashiers are married?
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!