M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
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Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
i did the math
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it