M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
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“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?