M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
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[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Pickled cat.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers