M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
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them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.