Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
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13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.