Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
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Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
john wicks are toilet candles
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.