[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
You Might Also Like
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.